Learning To Love
I've never been able to communicate well with other people. Unable to establish close relationships with girls, I learned early on to substitute sex for intimacy. Then I quickly became addicted to sex and pornography.
I've had girlfriends. I've even been married twice. But lacking the ability to communicate, my relationships never lasted more than a few months.
Yet I longed for love and intimacy. And after my second marriage ended — I truly thought she was the “one” — I emotionally broke down. I tried moving in with a couple more women, but those were disasters. I finally realized I needed help.
Letting God Work
I came to the Milwaukee Rescue Mission in October 2009 and it was the best decision I ever made. When I came, I told God: “I want to focus only on You.” And I committed myself to let God do His work in me.
I threw myself into the Bible studies, teaching, and counseling. The more I learned about God, the more I learned about myself. I started to learn about living in a community and how to relate to people, even when it's hard and painful. Even when I'm afraid to let people get close to me, because I might get hurt.
I See God Smiling
Slowly my ability to communicate is getting better and my relationships are improving — even with a few godly women I admire and respect at church. Maybe one day God will even bless me with marriage to a woman like that. When I'm ready.
For now I'm content experiencing God in ways I never thought possible. He's so alive and working in me. He recently inspired me to write a poem, which really communicates my heart and how I want to live my life:
I see God on high smiling, but not for what I've done
It is Jesus Christ God smiles at, Jesus Christ his son
It is Jesus Christ that lives in me that helps me do what I do
To want to love one and all and to help even you.